September 2, 2025
in an unsurprising turn of events during this current depressive episode, i deleted my twitter but i still wanted a place to vent about my problems to the general internet public. in the case that you (the unwilling victim of my crying and whining) come across this, hello nice to meet you and my deepest apologies.
its my birthday this saturday (yay) which means i am also having my annual birthday depression but also im going back to school so i am stacking these terrible feelings which is kinda awesome. my brain refuses to come back to the ground so im excited to continue the next month in constant paranoid isolation. ill also eventually stop using discord too to help cement my current mental state. preferably, this site will be the only window for my thoughts.
September 3, 2025
easing myself into isolation. had my long therapy appointment today. i stopped myself from crying. learned a lot about myself. everything stems from me being afraid of being alone (ironic)
ive gotten over my jet lag real fast! thats the power of depression
September 4, 2025
school starting in a few days.. i hope i can make it this time otherwise i really will go crazy. my dream truly is to meet someone who can financially and emotionally support me forever but that is just unfathomable.. honestly its enough for someone to just tell me that they wont give up on me
itd be nice if people said anything about my art or give it the time of day but alas. i feel like i already have done a lot by putting the effort into remotely liking my art and i know it doesnt correlate at all but itd be nice if my self-positivity(?)/enthusiasm(?) was rewarded in such a way. its such a big deal for me but i dont think many people realise it is so. perhaps its because i downplay it a lot, like everything else in my life. i could probably talk hours about it. unfortunately my vice is wishful thinking. fortunately, i made this site which means i can just go on rants about my art.
i overdrafted my bank account refunding people on kofi. and to make myself more miserable i decided to spend more money on useless garbage. yippee
i think i should be praised that im still doing this travel journal despite me reaching brain hyperarousal for the duration of it plus after. some people would say i should stop but as a masochist i enjoy self punishment. i am just a replaceable individual. any sort of connections ive had or ever will have does not matter because at the end of the day there will be someone better fit in my spot. im still struggling with this acceptance but thats just how it is. for now i hope i will be erased into nothingness sooner better than later.
sometimes i wonder if this online digital journal is a cry for help but frankly i think its hidden enough from the general people and people i know that even if it was a cry it wont be heard. funny if not sad
sorry i lied to my therapist about recovering from being suicidal its back again and i worry that my impulsive thoughts will just cause me to just suddenly walk the plank soon. when i say worry i dont mean it because i have lost any sort of care for my connection to anyone or this world
September 5, 2025
well cant say i didnt try